You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian Agler
  You stupid fucking idiot. I can’t believe you just burned through your tenth free article this month and thought that we wouldn’t notice. We’re the goddamn Washington Post. You must be some kind of fell-off-the-back-of-the-turnip-truck-yesterday moron to think that we were g... [Read More]
You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian Agler
  You stupid fucking idiot. I can’t believe you just burned through your tenth free article this month and thought that we wouldn’t notice. We’re the goddamn Washington Post. You must be some kind of fell-off-the-back-of-the-turnip-truck-yesterday moron to think that we were g... [Read More]
Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm
My Dearest Clyde, I lay pen to pixelated paper on day 487,000 of this desolate bloodshed. Every treacherous battle is the same. My brethren and I continue to tirelessly struggle to avoid Him. He sprints through the maze so fast, it’s almost as if He has someone guiding him with a bird’s ... [Read More]
How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet Rocks, by Ginny Hogan
Growing up is difficult. We all reach adulthood at different points. For me personally, a lot of my friendships started to change at that awkward age where my friends settled down with their pet rocks. I learned a lot about myself and how to keep my friendships intact, and I wanted to share some adv... [Read More]
How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet Rocks, by Ginny Hogan
Growing up is difficult. We all reach adulthood at different points. For me personally, a lot of my friendships started to change at that awkward age where my friends settled down with their pet rocks. I learned a lot about myself and how to keep my friendships intact, and I wanted to share some adv... [Read More]
Wonka, Inc. Quarterly Report, by Patrick Muncie
To: The Board of Directors and Shareholders of Wonka Chocolates and Confections, Inc. From: Charles “Charlie” Bucket, Chairman and CEO Dear Wonka Directors and Shareholders, I am writing to provide you with an update on our company’s progress. It goes without saying that my first q... [Read More]
I Have Created the World’s First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards Shall Now Quake Beneath My Boot, by Dan Caprera
Hear me. Hear me, you worms who do not yet know the extent of your own inferiority. I know that you can see me (for how could you not?), but now you must hear what I have to say. You “gentlemen” who limply cavort around London in your tricorn hats and your foppish buckled chapeaus&hellip... [Read More]
Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti
Fight Club (1999) Wings (Seasons 1-3) Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu) Matchstick Men (2003) Sam Patterson (Refuses to work for a streaming service that doesn’t have Fight Club) All Civil War Documentaries (Don’t want to give Americans any ideas) The Ability To Share Passwo... [Read More]
Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, by Bizzy Coy
America, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV? Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented by a panel of judges? Do you buy or wear clothes from literally any store? Then you’ll love Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, the new reality sensation ... [Read More]
KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. KRINGLE, by Lauren Krueger & Matthew David Brozik
’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court, I now offer this argument sounding in tort: My client, Miss Kramer, and others aggrieved Have sued to recover for gifts unreceived From defendant Kris Kringle—a/k/a “Claus,” Whose actions should give you, the jury, some pau... [Read More]