That’s the Last Time I Plan an Art Heist on Facebook Events, by Bizzy Coy
Alphonse, Natasha, and Mister Fingers, I write this letter with a heavy heart. I thought we were friends—no, more than friends. Co-conspirators. So I’m shaking my head, wondering why didn’t you come to the art heist I put together on Facebook Events. I know we usually arrange our c... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘The Official Handbook of the Bowieverse,’ by Alex Firer and Kenny Keil
Alex Firer has written for The Onion, The Onion News Network, Paste Magazine, Cafe.com and can be seen every fourth Wednesday at the UCB in LA on his Maude Team, The Audacity. He’s fine and his head hurts. Kenny Keil is a writer and artist who has worked for MAD Magazine, Vibe Magazine, a... [Read More]
They Can’t All Be Spider-Man: Your Handy Guide to B-Level Super-Powered Folk, by Kit Lively
The Stupendous Bee Woman. College student Sheila Sherwood is stung by a bee that had been exposed to mysterious rays of ultra-dimensional energy. Realizing that she now has incredible bee powers, she decides to devote her life to fighting crime as The Stupendous Bee Woman! Sadly, after stinging... [Read More]
Your Application To Cryobank NYC Has Been Denied, by Harris Mayersohn and Blythe Roberson
Dear Potential Donor: Unfortunately, your application to donate sperm to the New York City Cryobank has been reviewed and rejected. While we cannot disclose the specific reason your sperm was not accepted, we can provide recurring issues that have kept us from accepting donors in the past. In some c... [Read More]
Hierarchy of the White House, by Don Plattner
With the new administration taking control of the White House, it’s important to understand the chain of command. As such, here’s a chart to consult while huddling in your bomb shelter and counting down the half-life of plutonium. Don Plattner is a comedy writer living in Chicago. Follow... [Read More]
We Tried All The Abandoned Kitchens in This Post-Apocalyptic Brownstone So You Don’t Have To, by Molly Taft
I know it, you know it, we all know it: eating out in this nuclear winter really sucks. We’ve all rummaged our way through the same abandoned kitchens and stockpiles in our neighborhoods day in and day out, and there just never seems to be anything new. And even if you can find enough layers [... [Read More]
Cormac McCarthy Rents ‘Tin Cup’ from a Blockbuster Video, by Patrick Coyne
He stood and looked over the building. He had his fist clenched at his chest. He entered. Dust and ash everywhere. The crushing emptiness of looping monitors telecasting Pauly Shore’s Son in Law warned of death. He looked at the boy. Evening, sir. Welcome to Blockbuster, th... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Danger…With a Hard G’ by Matthew David Brozik
“You won’t mind if I ask to see some identification, I’m sure. It’s precinct policy.” The cheerfulness of the property clerk behind the window told me her shift had only recently started. And she was new to the squad on top of that. I could only see her head and upper t... [Read More]
15 Rules to Follow While You Are Inside My Time Machine, by Michael A. Ferro
1. Never ever roll down the window and stick your head out like a dog. There will be thousands of antique clocks spinning around within the space-time wormhole and any one of them is liable to take your head off. 2. Whatever you do, don’t just start randomly pushing buttons, no matte... [Read More]
Some Personal News (1806), by Jon Wolper
September 7, 1806 SOME PERSONAL NEWS STOP I HAVE WORKED AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER FOR THREE YEARS STOP AND COVERED ALL MANNER OF HAPPENINGS IN JOHNSONVILLE GOVERNMENT AND BEYOND STOP BUT TODAY MARKS BEGINNING OF NEW ADVENTURE STOP ON OCTOBER 4 I WILL START AS A NEWS-PAPER MAN AT HAPSBURG CHRONICLE-... [Read More]