The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris Morgan
I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that if you want to be a plumber because you want to be like Mario, you are bound to be disappointed. I know that’s tough to hear. […] [Read More]
On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze
Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the arduous journey that lies ahead, please allow me to remind you of some vital practices that could make the difference between life and death on this mon... [Read More]
Letter of Recommendation, by Barbara Holm
In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best. To Whom It May Concern, I have known Barbara Human Last Name for roughly three quarters of my life. I believe Barbara is an excellent candidate for this or any position. She has man... [Read More]
FAQs About the New Health Care Law’s “Tremendous Vampire Bats” Mandate, by Matt Baca
Will the “tremendous vampire bats” mandate affect me and my family? Perhaps. President Trump’s replacement health care law requires every American who loses health insurance to purchase a bloodletting vampire bat. No American will be left uncovered by the world’s best health ... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Away with Words,’ by Joe Berkowitz
We’ve now reached the pun solstice, the verbal equinox. The Henry Pun-Off is six months away, a comfortably far-off X in next year’s calendar. That’s five more Punderdomes for anyone who plans on heading to Austin in the spring. My performance at the December Dome was an improvemen... [Read More]
The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized Slightly for Entertainment Value), by Lucas Gardner
The following is the complete oral history of Francis Scott Key’s “The Star Spangled Banner.” Certain quotes and other elements have been fictionalized slightly for entertainment value. Francis Scott Key (Writer of “The Star Spangled Banner”) I was an amateur poet at th... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting’ by Doug Moe
WHAT WILL TODDLERS EAT? Food used to be one of your top five things—remember brunch?—but toddlers ruin food. You try to serve them healthy things, lovingly crafted, only to see them reject or smash them. Just a short bit ago, you were trying so damned hard to get them off the bottle, and... [Read More]
I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an Impenetrable Obstacle, by Sarah Hutto
To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two weekends ago. No one is more sorry than I am that my self-driving car failed to recognize the Renaissance Festival as a group of pedestrians to be avoided. [&he... [Read More]
I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an Impenetrable Obstacle, by Sarah Hutto
To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two weekends ago. No one is more sorry than I am that my self-driving car failed to recognize the Renaissance Festival as a group of pedestrians to be avoided. [&he... [Read More]
I Stand Vigilant Before Master’s Sarcophagus and Yet Heroes Keep Breaking into His Tomb, by Matt Corluka
For centuries, I have had the honor of protecting Master’s sarcophagus. I stand motionless, and am surrounded by dust; by rot; by a silence that can last decades. I am stronger than most; the wraiths have left. The goblin slipped away one night. I am stronger than most, but…as the years... [Read More]