I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas Gardner
Hey Sandra, Just wanted to say I can’t wait for our blind date this Friday! I’ll see you 7 o’ clock sharp at Maguire’s Pub. Since you don’t know what I look like, I’ll be holding a red rose so you can identify me. Here are some other ways you can identify me. If t... [Read More]
The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized Slightly for Entertainment Value), by Lucas Gardner
The following is the complete oral history of Francis Scott Key’s “The Star Spangled Banner.” Certain quotes and other elements have been fictionalized slightly for entertainment value. Francis Scott Key (Writer of “The Star Spangled Banner”) I was an amateur poet at th... [Read More]
Space Camp Progress Report, by Lucas Gardner
Hello from the United States Space Camp! Your son Spencer is having an absolute “blast” out here. This is a routine progress report from the Space Camp directors. Unfortunately, we’re sad to say that, in the opinion of all of us here at Space Camp... [Read More]
Hardworking Young Professional Seeks New Career in Making Sure the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons Don’t Come to Life, by Lucas Gardner
Dear Mayor Bill DeBlasio and the New York City government at large: Thank you in advance for reading my offer. I believe you might be in need of my services. I would like to apply for a job that I believe is very vital to the safety of New York City. Although you’ll see on […] [Read More]
A Spencer's Gifts Manager Chastises the Staff, by Lucas Gardner
by Brian Boone, Editor Alright guys, team meeting. Let's make this quick, 'cause we've got some fucking strobe lights to sell. Listen, I can't be here to manage this Spencer's Gifts all the time, and I need you guys to be able to run things on your own when I'm not around. Quite frankly, this s... [Read More]