I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an Impenetrable Obstacle, by Sarah Hutto
To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two weekends ago. No one is more sorry than I am that my self-driving car failed to recognize the Renaissance Festival as a group of pedestrians to be avoided. [&he... [Read More]
I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an Impenetrable Obstacle, by Sarah Hutto
To the good people of my town, I would like to apologize, again, for the unfortunate incident in which I am sorry to have been involved two weekends ago. No one is more sorry than I am that my self-driving car failed to recognize the Renaissance Festival as a group of pedestrians to be avoided. [&he... [Read More]
I Stand Vigilant Before Master’s Sarcophagus and Yet Heroes Keep Breaking into His Tomb, by Matt Corluka
For centuries, I have had the honor of protecting Master’s sarcophagus. I stand motionless, and am surrounded by dust; by rot; by a silence that can last decades. I am stronger than most; the wraiths have left. The goblin slipped away one night. I am stronger than most, but…as the years... [Read More]
The Lunches My Child Has Been Served at School Can’t Possibly Be the Source of His Terrifying Powers, by Cody Ziler
As a parent, nothing is more important to me than the health and well-being of my child. From studying the labels on Caiden’s favorite snacks to buying organic produce whenever possible, I’m committed to teaching him the importance of proper nutrition. However, I’m not always there... [Read More]
The Movie Pitch for ‘Horse in Motion’ (1878), by Collin Gossel
Oh wow, Mr. Muybridge, what a coincidence running into you here! I don’t want to interrupt your dinner, but listen, I’ve got this great idea. Okay, right, great, picture this: We open on a grassy field in Palo Alto, right? Sun’s shining. Early June. There’s a horse. She&rsquo... [Read More]
That’s the Last Time I Plan an Art Heist on Facebook Events, by Bizzy Coy
Alphonse, Natasha, and Mister Fingers, I write this letter with a heavy heart. I thought we were friends—no, more than friends. Co-conspirators. So I’m shaking my head, wondering why didn’t you come to the art heist I put together on Facebook Events. I know we usually arrange our c... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘The Official Handbook of the Bowieverse,’ by Alex Firer and Kenny Keil
Alex Firer has written for The Onion, The Onion News Network, Paste Magazine, Cafe.com and can be seen every fourth Wednesday at the UCB in LA on his Maude Team, The Audacity. He’s fine and his head hurts. Kenny Keil is a writer and artist who has worked for MAD Magazine, Vibe Magazine, a... [Read More]
They Can’t All Be Spider-Man: Your Handy Guide to B-Level Super-Powered Folk, by Kit Lively
The Stupendous Bee Woman. College student Sheila Sherwood is stung by a bee that had been exposed to mysterious rays of ultra-dimensional energy. Realizing that she now has incredible bee powers, she decides to devote her life to fighting crime as The Stupendous Bee Woman! Sadly, after stinging... [Read More]
Your Application To Cryobank NYC Has Been Denied, by Harris Mayersohn and Blythe Roberson
Dear Potential Donor: Unfortunately, your application to donate sperm to the New York City Cryobank has been reviewed and rejected. While we cannot disclose the specific reason your sperm was not accepted, we can provide recurring issues that have kept us from accepting donors in the past. In some c... [Read More]
Hierarchy of the White House, by Don Plattner
With the new administration taking control of the White House, it’s important to understand the chain of command. As such, here’s a chart to consult while huddling in your bomb shelter and counting down the half-life of plutonium. Don Plattner is a comedy writer living in Chicago. Follow... [Read More]