The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris Morgan
I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that if you want to be a plumber because you want to be like Mario, you are bound to be disappointed. I know that’s tough to hear. […] [Read More]
On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze
Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the arduous journey that lies ahead, please allow me to remind you of some vital practices that could make the difference between life and death on this mon... [Read More]
Letter of Recommendation, by Barbara Holm
In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best. To Whom It May Concern, I have known Barbara Human Last Name for roughly three quarters of my life. I believe Barbara is an excellent candidate for this or any position. She has man... [Read More]
FAQs About the New Health Care Law’s “Tremendous Vampire Bats” Mandate, by Matt Baca
Will the “tremendous vampire bats” mandate affect me and my family? Perhaps. President Trump’s replacement health care law requires every American who loses health insurance to purchase a bloodletting vampire bat. No American will be left uncovered by the world’s best health ... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Away with Words,’ by Joe Berkowitz
We’ve now reached the pun solstice, the verbal equinox. The Henry Pun-Off is six months away, a comfortably far-off X in next year’s calendar. That’s five more Punderdomes for anyone who plans on heading to Austin in the spring. My performance at the December Dome was an improvemen... [Read More]
Please Support the Patreon for ‘McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’
If you read a site like Splitsider, chances are you also read—and/or have submitted your original work to—McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the online arm of Dave Eggers’ McSweeney’s Publishing. It’s been posting “daily humor almost every day” since 1998.... [Read More]
Please Support the Patreon for ‘McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’
If you read a site like Splitsider, chances are you also read—and/or have submitted your original work to—McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the online arm of Dave Eggers’ McSweeney’s Publishing. It’s been posting “daily humor almost every day” since 1998.... [Read More]
The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized Slightly for Entertainment Value), by Lucas Gardner
The following is the complete oral history of Francis Scott Key’s “The Star Spangled Banner.” Certain quotes and other elements have been fictionalized slightly for entertainment value. Francis Scott Key (Writer of “The Star Spangled Banner”) I was an amateur poet at th... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting’ by Doug Moe
WHAT WILL TODDLERS EAT? Food used to be one of your top five things—remember brunch?—but toddlers ruin food. You try to serve them healthy things, lovingly crafted, only to see them reject or smash them. Just a short bit ago, you were trying so damned hard to get them off the bottle, and... [Read More]
My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband, by Jamie Loftus
In case you did not receive my embossed card in the tangible mail, this is a digital copy of a photograph of me and also of my husband Tim, who didn’t used to be my husband, but now is my husband and is named Tim. It follows that Tim and I live in the same […] [Read More]