Odysseus Reviews the New Translation of ‘The Odyssey,’ by Michael Maiello
“Tell me about a complicated man,” begins Emily Wilson’s translation of The Odyssey, which is the story of me, Odysseus. I read this and thought, “This woman really gets me.” Finally, after thousands of years, my story will be told in a way that doesn&rsq... [Read More]
Cute and Unlikely Human Companions, by Ralph Gamelli
Stepping out her door, Helen Malloy was completely unprepared for what she saw. There on the front yard, her husband Gus—famous for angrily warning kids away from his beloved lawn—was playing baseball catch with a ten-year-old boy from the neighborhood. Stunned, she took o... [Read More]
Men Find Me Intimidating Just Because I’m a Sentient Robot Sent Here From the Future to Destroy John Connor, by Erica Lies
When I first arrived at these time-vector coordinates to stalk and kill John Connor, future leader of the human resistance, I didn’t realize just how hard dating in 2018 would be for a futuristic annihilation machine. As a T1000 Terminator programmed to identify as a heteronormative cis female... [Read More]
Winter Blues Band for Hire, by Bizzy Coy
Dear Nightclub Booker, Hi. I’m Dugan Rathbone, guitarist and lead vocalist for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, the nation’s only winter blues band. That’s right, our quartet makes your favorite blues tunes even bluer thanks to our debilitating case of seasonal affective d... [Read More]
Winter Blues Band for Hire, by Bizzy Coy
Dear Nightclub Booker, Hi. I’m Dugan Rathbone, guitarist and lead vocalist for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, the nation’s only winter blues band. That’s right, our quartet makes your favorite blues tunes even bluer thanks to our debilitating case of seasonal affective d... [Read More]
Marvel, Why Haven’t You Financed My Insect-Hero Film ‘The Fantastic Franz Kafka’s Cockroach-Man’? by Dan Caprera
Dear Marvel Studios, Over the past few years, your production company has financed many big-budget, high-octane, insect-inspired films such as Ant-Man (2015), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018), and Spider-Man: Homecoming 2 (2019). And, considering the sheer volume of insect-... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact,’ by Emily Axford and Brian Murphy
How to Pick the Perfect Blood Diamond for Your Engagement Ring So, the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment, and you’ve decided to forgo a blood oath ritual in favor of an engagement ring. Don’t worry, you’ll still have plenty of blood on your hands! A diamond ring is... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact,’ by Emily Axford and Brian Murphy
How to Pick the Perfect Blood Diamond for Your Engagement Ring So, the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment, and you’ve decided to forgo a blood oath ritual in favor of an engagement ring. Don’t worry, you’ll still have plenty of blood on your hands! A diamond ring is... [Read More]
I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas Gardner
Hey Sandra, Just wanted to say I can’t wait for our blind date this Friday! I’ll see you 7 o’ clock sharp at Maguire’s Pub. Since you don’t know what I look like, I’ll be holding a red rose so you can identify me. Here are some other ways you can identify me. If t... [Read More]
An Excerpt from ‘TITLE 13,’ by Michael A. Ferro
Thirty-seven pages of highly classified TITLE 13 material were reported missing at the Chicago Regional Census Center on Wednesday morning. At five p.m. on Tuesday, after the employees of the Windy City’s RCC had packed their sensitive data into large, regulated heavyweight folders and filed t... [Read More]